“The operation will be over soon.”
Zen.
Gedo.
Wobby Sobby.
Dog.
Car.
Cat.
Bike.
Good people distinguish things in terms of categories and groups said Confucius. Odd things, thought Stephan, laying in bed.
He got up and opened his window, it was strangely warm outside for an early February afternoon. Lighting up a cigarette butt, he lied back down. I need a shower, he thought. A commercial he saw early as a boy kept replaying in his swollen hung over head. “It’s hot Don.” “You can say that again.” “It’s hot Don.” Early morning fog brain madness. Dehydration keeping the body from obtaining the proper sleep staging. Hypoxemia kicks in and the sun burning through the window warms him enough he can’t breath, probably a touch of sleep apnea aggravated by alcohol abuse.
Out of bed.
He stepped into the shower. It was nice and warm. He thought of Viola.
He saw her again last night.
She was so beautiful...
and smelled so good.
“You should feel fine in the morning.”
She told him on the park bench that she was a prostitute.
He didn’t say anything.
He thought of Viola in the shower and started to stroke his cock, but changed his mind. He thought of how much he liked her, and she was a dirty prostitute. Used. He thought of Viola and started to stroke himself, the thought becoming unbearable because at this moment she is probably latched on to some bearded asshole with long hair yellow teeth and an enormous trust fund that plays guitar or some fuck off in a peacoat brown over coat stupid ironic glasses well kept hair and a scarf that he wore like Truman Capote with a notebook in his hand recording all the details no fuck her he changed his mind, and finished his shower.
2.
There is a for sale table outside the bookstore Tender is the Night was on top. Stephan looks the book over puts it down and picks up Lolita.
“That’s a good book”, said a voice behind him.
“Oh. Viola,” he said startled. A rush of fear and flushing flesh and sweating pores then hands the book to her. “Very erotic, funny, and a good meditation on obsession. I can only imagine an older man and his unrelenting and heartbreaking desire for fourteen year old love interest. Viola”
“That is what it says on the back of the book. Sort of,” she said.
putting it back on the shelf. He looked at his watch.
He sees her straddling an overweight dirty hippy with bad teeth and she is moaning her throat stretched back as she screams “OH YES”. He saw her with Alan.
“You must be on a real tight schedule. All afternoon yesterday you kept looking at your watch.”
“Oh, uh, why is that?” he replied nervously, “oh uh because I keep looking at my watch? It ‘s just a nervous habit.”
“Why are you nervous? Do I make you nervous?”
“No. I guess…I suppose not.” His head started to tingle, his face felt hot. He was panicking and he knew he was going to blow it. Every noise caused him to react. And she was so beautiful. And a whore and he is telling himself to stop don’t like her she is going to cause him anguish. He will fall for her because he is weak. He fell for her on the park bench sharing a pint of Kentucky Tavern watching the barges go by.
Wait. What?
I am in seminary school. It doesn’t matter. What am I thinking? I’m not in love with her. Fuck sake strip her down take her looks do you love her now? How the brown caramel color of her neck...I have to externalize the pain and get it out or it will eat me up inside, he thought. He heard wind chimes from somewhere. He started to relax. He has only known her two days and he simultaneously hated and loved her. He would be a priest soon. He should be indifferent.
She looked so normal though. Nothing like a prostitute at all. She was wearing a brown corduroy jacket that was tight around her waist tight light blue jeans and a Grateful Dead T-shirt. Her eyes popped with Crayon perfect green and she will obsess over things that are not about you and it will bother you. Remember, man, why you are becoming a priest. To not have to fight that battle of relationship and falling in love but he fell in love.
Oh shit don’t look at her breast. Jesus I’m talking to them. I bet she saw that he thought.
“So do you read a lot?”she said.
“Sometimes. I can affor…d bluh bluh,” oh perfect he thought. Try not to think he thought, “ I mean I can’t really afford books so I just look at the covers, read them here, and pretend I’m shopping.”
“You know we have three libraries, right?”
“Too far.”
“One is right over there,” she pointed across the street
“I don’t either. I mean I don’t really have the time,” look at the neck. Men have kissed that neck in Spain, Stephen just knows it “have you eaten at the deli in here?’
“No, I’m broke.”
“Does that mean you’ve never eaten here because you’re always broke?” she laughed.
I’m breaking up here, he thought. “I’m always broke and I’ve never eaten here.”
When they sat on that bench watching the barges going by sharing a pint of Kentucky Tavern he felt a bit dumb but tried to maintain confidence. He spoke in short sentences and refrained from his usual factual information on trivial objects. Any anecdote at all really.
She seemed ready to get to know him. She wasn’t really for sure and could never guess how close she did get to him; that came as a surprise. Sex, Making Love and Fucking was awkward and she didn’t climax often. When she did she hit him hard.
Stephan never saw how much he would love it when she climaxed and hit him and screamed “OH YES” “I lOVE YOU” they were words that would stick with him.
But neither knew about those things yet. At that moment their future was unknown and exciting for Stephan but still with this foreboding that it was going to end and for her how would she end it. She really cared for him. But that is not their problem yet. Right now they are just trying to figure out what they are going to say to each other with innocent lies and exaggerations.
“You’re so thin. Do you ever eat?”
“People always ask me that. My metabolism is so high I burn fat standing around.”
“Right. I think you need to eat. I’ll buy you some…”
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